I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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