I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
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He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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