fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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