I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
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I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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