Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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