Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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