What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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