Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
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She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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I licked your asshole in confidence.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize