god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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