What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
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plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
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I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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