Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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