At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
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I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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