The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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