Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
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I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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