Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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