I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
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Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
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He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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