I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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