True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
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I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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