Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
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and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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