I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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