new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You pole danced in your parka.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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