I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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