Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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