I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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