I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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