I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
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When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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