i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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