What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
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I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
im on a boat
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