Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize