Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
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I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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