I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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