U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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