the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
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I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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