I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just found a bag of teeth...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
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there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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