Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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