just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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