grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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