Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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