Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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