Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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