it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
even my farts smell like vagina
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I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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