I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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