What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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