I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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