Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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