You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
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Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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