So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
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She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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