I want to walk on stilts...naked
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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