At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
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Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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