the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
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I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
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When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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